I have a fear of falling. and i think it says a lot about me and who I really am.
Finally after a whole semester shying away from the field, I did my napfa test and the only thing I couldnt pass was the standing broad jump.
I just cant tuck my legs in. Everytime i’m in the air, i plant my feet back onto stable ground. I dont know why I just do.
Even after darren stayed an hour after the test with me to retake the station. I still couldn’t do it.

After some considerable consideration, I think i have a deep seeded fear of falling. I believe its deeper than a physical fear of missing a step and falling face first on the cold hard floor. It has to do with trust.
Its the trust in yourself that carries you through the air, keeping your legs in to go further. INSTEAD of slamming your legs down to stop yourself midway.

Its this lack of trust that has turned me into the bitter boy you see in front of you. I want to be so much more than I am now. I wanted to be happy.

Looking back at it all now, I looked so far into the future that I didnt see what was infront of me.
Again, I ask myself. Was I really happy?
Or was I just looking forward to the next cheap thrill?
The only way to answer that question is to make myself happy again.

P.S. I feel Nothing. Till Glints collide. I’ll Feel nothing.

you’ll know when its going downhill when you have to reassure them of the obvious.
Those 3 words never bled out of me like i wanted them to.

I guess I just dont like labels.

Take me back to when i wanted to be happy.
I dont want this anymore.

i hate getting up every few minutes to stop my dogs from barking.
I hate tossing and turning in bed till 3 thinking about what could have been.
I dont want to fall asleep tonight.
but tonight. i have too.

I’ve to face my demons to move on.
until then, I like my sorrow served on cold empty platter spread eagle facing me every night when i close my eyes.

I’m supposed to be the hero of this story,
i dont need to be saved.

happiness.
the eternal journey to an impossible destination.
Just when you think you’re there, you realise that its just a dream and you wake up to see that you’re miles away.

I’m past acceptance. and i’m ready to move on with my life now.

Those words are empty
and my ears are peeled.
but what I have to say has nothing to do what I have to mean.

wait for the question that leaves no options.

Step One: Ignore
Step Two: Close
Step Three: Start again.